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Doctor, won't you please kiss me," says the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies her doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you.
A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist because he's having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist askes him a lot of questions, but can't get a clear read on the problems. Finally he asks, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh, boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point, the psychiatrist feels he's really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that one time?"
"She was watching us through the window.
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem…It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil."
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you won't believe who I have been sleeping with!
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation.
You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours".
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.
Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next
day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow
the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks
out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes
later.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."
A koala bear was
approached by a prostitute,since he had never been with one before,he
was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel,
and he had sex with her again the next morning, one last time before
departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled,
"Hey, what about my money?"
The koala turned, gave
her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come
here," and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed
to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has
sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed
her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed
her, "Eats bush and leaves."
Clinton
had just returned from visiting his home in Arkansas and was descending
the stairs of Air Force One with two razorback hogs, one under each
arm. The honor guardsman commented, "Nice pigs, Mr. President".
Clinton replies, "These are not PIGS, they are genuine razorback
hogs. I got one for Chelsie and one for Hillary. " The honor
guardsman replied without a blink, "Nice trade, Sir!".
President Clinton
was at a press conference and he came out with a small piece of
a womans panties on his arm. So one of the reporters asked him why
he was wearing a piece of panties on his arm and he replied. "Oh
it's the patch I'm trying to quit."
Why are mini skirts
banned in the Whitehouse?
They show Hillary's balls.
3 men were talking
about their favoured sexual positions. The first one said,
"I like to be on top, it gives me a sense of power". The
second says, "I like to be on the bottom, I can then see and
play with her tits." The third one says, "I like
to have some excitement in my life, so I like to have a RODEO fuck."
The other two asked "What's a Rodeo Fuck?" "Well,
you grab your woman, bend her over and go for it from behind, making
sure you have a firm hold on her. Then when you see she's enjoying
it, you say to her - You know, this is exactly how your sister likes
to get it too, Then try and hold on for 8 seconds"
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Traveling Salesman Adult Joke
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The traveler knocked
on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could
be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female
voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed,"
said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip
twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered
the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed.
Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently,
and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport,
"I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the
voice, "Again?"
A woman is quite disappointed
that her love life has really gone down hill, that her husband
doesn't pay any attention to her because of the massive crush he
has on Brigette Bardot. She goes to the a tattoo shop one day, thinking
if she had the letters "BB" tattooed on her breasts that
maybe her husband would notice and pay attention to her. Upon
telling the tattooist her desires he explains, that due to the aging
process and gravity, that the tattoo on her breasts might not be
attractive several years later and suggests she have the initials
put on her butt. She thinks it over and agrees, then leans over
the table while the tattooist puts a "B" on each cheek.
When her husband arrives at home from work she greets him,
turns around, bends over and lifts her dress to expose the art work.
"What do you think?" she asks.
"Uh, who
the fuck is Bob?" he replies.
A man and a woman
were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed
sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think
about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger
in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your
ear or your finger?
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